Helpful Articles for Parents

How to Support Your Child for a Very Different School Year

Jul 23, 2020

Image of mom and daughter doing homework.

Deborah Farmer Kris photoAuthor:

Deborah Farmer Kris

 

Several years ago, while substituting in a kindergarten classroom, I forgot to add the “lunch” icon to the daily wall schedule. As the students filed in, two children burst into tears, convinced that lunch was canceled.

I often think about this moment in my parenting, for two reasons. First, it reminds me that routines are comforting and empowering. Second, it reminds me that what adults view as “little things” are often not so little to our children. Kids crave predictability and feel more confident when they know what to expect.

Parents and educators are wrestling with enormous questions about the 2020-2021 school year right now: What will it look like if/when children are physically in school? And what will it mean for family life if/when children are at home for hybrid or remote learning?

Despite the looming questions, there's a lot we can do to bolster our children’s feelings of confidence and security as they head into a new year. When we take time to talk about and practice the “little things” — the routines and skills that support academic growth — it will make a big difference, whatever school looks like for your family.

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Empower Children With Knowledge and Simple Routines

Fred Rogers once said, “When children know ahead of time what’s going to happen — and not happen — they can prepare themselves for what’s coming. They can think about it and get used to their feelings about it.”

Remember, whether they are studying in school or at home, your child will learn and grow this year — and that is worth celebrating.

Talk to your child about what school might look like in simple, practical terms. What are the names of their teachers? What will the morning routine at home look like? What will they need to put in their backpack each day? How will they get to school? And how might the school look different than it did the last time they were there?

If they are learning at home, where will their “learning area” be? What types of activities will they do with their teacher over video? What are some of the skills they will learn this year? In broad strokes, what will a typical day look like: school time, lunchtime, playtime? As the Daniel Tiger strategy song goes, “When we do something new, let’s talk about what we’ll do.” Here at PBS KIDS, we have developed two printable back-to-school checklists: one for physical school and one for remote learning at home. They are designed to help young children visualize and prepare for a new year of learning and growth.

 

Build Habits That Support Physical and Mental Wellness

The checklists above highlight the importance of sleep, nutrition, exercise, and play — four activities that support children’s physical and mental wellness. A new school year is an adjustment under typical circumstances because change is inherently stressful. So expect some meltdowns those first few weeks — and use mindfulness strategies to help them breathe and play their way through them.

READ MORE: How to help kids navigate stress

If your children are starting the year in a classroom, talk about ways the school is going to help them be good “germ-busters” — from hand-washing to extra space between students to wearing masks. If masks will be part of your child’s school day, be sure to practice wearing them before the first day to help them get used to how they look and feel! Consider showing them these short videos: “Wear a Mask Like the Wild Kratts” and Daniel Tiger’s “Germs, Germs Go Away.”

Share Your Excitement About Their Learning

Children read our emotions for cues about how they should react. If we express our excitement and hopes for their new school year, they will pick up on this. This was my intention yesterday, as my 6-year-old son and I were snuggling and talking about the year ahead. “I am so excited for all the books you are going to read, all the words you are going to write, all the pictures you are going to draw, all the structures you are going to build, all the math you are going to learn, and all the ways you will become stronger and more responsible. I love watching you grow!”

Remember, whether they are studying in school or at home, your child will learn and grow this year — and that is worth celebrating. Circumstances may not be ideal, but they will learn new skills, build new relationships, and perhaps even grow an inch or two taller. They will grow on the outside and on the inside. As Mister Rogers said, “‘Growing on the inside’ are the words I use when I talk with children about such things as learning to wait, learning to keep on trying, being able to talk about their feelings, and to express those feelings in constructive ways. These signs of growth need at least as much notice and applause as the outward kind, and children need to feel proud of them.”

While we are caring for the “little things” that help kids grow, the “big things” on our shoulders as adults may feel overwhelming at times. If you are struggling with your own emotional reactions, make time to pause, reach out for help, and take care of your needs. As Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, California’s Surgeon General and a pediatrician, told me, “Our emotional wellbeing is the most important ingredient for our children's emotional wellbeing. Self-care is not selfish.”

This school year is going to bring uncertainties and challenges. If you are worried about your kids and how they will bounce back from this time, here’s some hopeful news: according to research out of Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child, “the single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.” In other words, your care and compassion will nurture their resilience. Just our presence in their lives is a strengthening force.

Deborah Farmer Kris photoAuthor:

Deborah Farmer Kris is a writer, teacher, parent educator, and school administrator. She works on parenting projects for PBS KIDS for Parents and writes about education for MindShift, an NPR learning blog. Deborah has two kids who love to test every theory she’s ever had about child development! Mostly, she loves finding and sharing nuggets of practical wisdom that can help kids and families thrive — including her own. You can follow her on Twitter @dfkris.


EMOTIONS & SELF-AWARENESSSOCIAL SKILLSCHARACTER

How Play Helps Kids Navigate Difficult Times

May 13, 2020

Image of mom and son playing with blocks.

Deborah Farmer Kris photoAuthor:

Deborah Farmer Kris

 

Last week when I called my kids down for breakfast, they didn’t want to come. They had pulled out all of their stuffed animals and were completely absorbed in pretend play. So I brought up some food and listened in:

The Kindergartner: "Bad news. Every watering hole is dried up. But we must never give up!"

The 8-Year-Old: "First we must rest! We haven't slept in five weeks."

The Kindergartner: "Okay, a one hour nap — but then we move on before we lose more animals."

The play continued for hours. At one point, I overheard them talking about a group of "lost ones," assorted animals who had survived earthquakes, volcanoes and other catastrophes. One bunny doctor cared for the whole group. They also had an “empathist” owl (“You know, mommy, someone who makes you feel better when you are sad.”) The story finally ended with the animals embarking on a journey to find a beautiful, safe new home.

The next day, they moved on to a game they called “germs,” which began with a stuffed puppy who didn’t wash her hands or cover her cough and got the rest of her friends sick. The day after that, the storyline involved a hospital for pets (with some amazing, no-nonsense teddy bear nurses). And yesterday, they told me that they are going to start “homeschool” for their stuffed animals and teach them how to read, write and sing.

I am relieved to see them playing like this.

Since their toddlerhood, I’ve watched my kids use imaginary play to process events in their life. My daughter had a host of imaginary friends as a 3-year-old while my son preferred to use toy figurines and stuffed animals. After going to the doctor for shots, I would hear them play-acting “doctor.” When they started preschool, they often acted out recess drama with their stuffies. And after watching a new movie or show, those characters would often enter into the play.

In the last couple months, a lot has changed for my kids — and probably for your kids, too. School is out. They haven’t left the neighborhood in weeks. They sometimes see their playmates down the street, but we wave from a distance. They have lots of questions about the coronavirus. And when a dear relative passed away the other week, instead of traveling to be with family, we made cards and talked to loved ones over the computer screen.

It’s no surprise that these life changes have found their way into their imaginative play. And it’s also no surprise that they beg my husband and me to play games with them every night — from card games to board games to dance-offs. They suddenly want to “hide and seek” around the house at bedtime (I am always “it”). They really want us all to play together.

The Protective Power of Play

Child development experts tell us that play is an essential part of childhood. It’s not frivolous. It’s not an extra. Play supports kids’ cognitive, social, emotional and character development. It strengthens their language and executive function skills. And it strengthens their emotional bonds to the people they play with.

In this global health crisis, here’s what parents need to know: when children experience stress and adversity, play becomes more important than ever.

Pretend play is a key way children process emotions and events. And researchers have found that the joy children experience when they play with their caregivers helps them regulate their brain’s stress response. Making time for play can help our children navigate stress, experience joy and build resilience.

Playtime can include:

  1. Unstructured Play Time: Sometimes the best thing parents can do is get out of the way and let kids run on imagination. A few dress-up clothes, a couple of stuffed animals, some random sticks in the backyard or a big empty box can turn into just about anything. Some kids like to build storylines from books, movies or TV shows. They might join the Kratt Brothers on an animal adventure, become an Odd Squad detective, or travel to a place featured on Let’s Go Luna! When they have space and downtime choose their own storylines, kids can tap into their imagination and internal world, working through ideas and situations they find confusing, exciting, funny or compelling.
  1. Play with Caregivers: When kids play with their parents, it strengthens family bonds and relieves tension and anxiety. According to researchers, this kind of play can help “build the safe, stable and nurturing relationships that buffer against toxic stress.” As child psychologist Katie Hurley recently told me, “Play is how kids connect at all ages. It's a reason teenagers will say, ‘Dad, would you shoot hoops with me?’ And it's a great stress relief for adults, too.” Follow a child’s lead in the play — and perhaps introduce them a few favorite games of your own.

In the last couple months, we have played card games and board games; made forts out of pillows and blankets; drawn hopscotch with chalk; and designed obstacle courses around the house. Oh and dance parties. Lots and lots of dance parties. It turns out that watching me try to dance to their favorite songs is endlessly entertaining.

And if I am ever worried that playtime is taking away from “learning time,” I remember these words from Fred Rogers: “Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children, play is serious learning.”

Deborah Farmer Kris photoAuthor:

Deborah Farmer Kris is a writer, teacher, parent educator, and school administrator. She works on parenting projects for PBS KIDS for Parents and writes about education for MindShift, an NPR learning blog. Deborah has two kids who love to test every theory she’s ever had about child development! Mostly, she loves finding and sharing nuggets of practical wisdom that can help kids and families thrive — including her own. You can follow her on Twitter @dfkris.

 

Help Children Cope With Back-to-School Anxiety

Jul 30, 2020

Image of mom and two children going back to school.

Amanda Krupa, MSc photoAuthor:

Amanda Krupa, MSc

 

It’s been six months since my 5-year-old and 7-year-old have set foot in a classroom. (But who’s counting?) And as my family prepares for this year’s back-to-school season, we’re all feeling a little… anxious. My 5-year-old has the normal first day of Kindergarten jitters, while my 7-year-old is worried about what it will feel like to return to school with masks and new safety rules. Like other parents throughout the country, I’ve been wrestling with my own feelings about a school year that coincides with a pandemic, and I’m struggling with how to answer my kids’ often-endless questions. It’s hard to feel prepared when it seems like all our plans keep changing. (And this definitely was not in any parenting book I ever read!)

Where does back-to-school anxiety come from?

“Anxiety comes from all of the unknowns and the uncertainty,” says Kathryn Gardner, a licensed clinical professional counselor and Chair of the Board for Postpartum Support International in Illinois. “As parents, we have the imagery of what the future grade is going to hold and how it's going to be different. [But] right now, we still have a lot more questions than answers.”

It’s important to remember that sometimes back-to-school stress can hit parents harder than children, says Dr. Samantha Brown, Director of the Parent-Child Relationships and Well-Being Lab at Colorado State University. Dr. Brown has been studying the effect of stress and parenting related to COVID-19. She said we need to think about coping with back-to-school anxiety in tandem with other specific family stressors that may be going on — like a job loss, a pre-existing mental health condition, or a lack of social support. “All of those things accumulate,” she said.

What can parents and children do to cope with anxious feelings?

While there are plenty of strategies out there, “STOP” is a 4-step plan you can use to gain more control over anxiety-causing situations like back-to-school. Originally developed by Dr. Wendy Silverman, STOP does involve some role-playing (parents are both teacher and coach).

Here’s how it works:

S is for scared. “What’s going on with your body?”

The first step to overcoming scared or anxious feelings is to know when you are feeling that way. There is no clear anxiety emoji — it can feel different to all of us. And young children might have a hard time recognizing when they are anxious and putting those feelings into words. Our bodies take a lot of signals from our brains, says Kathryn Gardner. So it might be helpful to start by asking your child what their body does when they are scared. My 5-year-old told me, “I curl into a ball.” In other words, he tenses up! Just like so many of us do.

Try connecting those feelings to a school worry your child has mentioned. For example, you might say, “Let’s imagine you’re at school and the teacher calls on you. You think you know the right answer, but you are afraid you could be wrong. What do you think is going on with your body in that moment? Would your face turn red? Would you maybe feel a little hot? I can sometimes feel my heart beating when I’m scared.”

T is for thoughts“What are you thinking?”

The second step focuses on noticing thoughts that make children feel upset. My 7-year-old has been worried about not being able to take the bus anymore. Aside from some serious FOMO (fear of missing out), she is also afraid of the new process. “What if I can’t find you?” “What if I’m late?” Gardner calls these strings of worrying thoughts, “worry streams.” When we’re in a worry stream, Gardner says, we start to ask a lot of “what if” questions, then we fill in the blanks with our imaginations and make guesses about the future.

I explained this to my kids as our brains trying to be a crystal ball, because they understand what that is from stories and movies. (People look at crystal balls to see predictions about the future. Sometimes they are right, and sometimes they are wrong. That’s just how your own thoughts can work.”)

O is for other thoughts. “What is something else you can think?”

Once you understand and recognize the thoughts that make you or your child anxious, you can try to “flip the script.” Drawing on findings from her recent study, Dr. Brown recommends parents reframe the conversation to talk about what you and your children can control. For example, if your child is worried they won’t be able to find you in the school pick up line, you could say, “I’ll be looking for you, too! So we’ll find each other together. And if you don’t see me right away, stay with a teacher until I find you.”

You can also talk about what good things your new routine might bring. I told my daughter I was excited about driving her to school now because we’ll get some uninterrupted girl time for us! Flipping the script can also mean turning a frown upside down with some sillies. (“Remember when you ran for the bus in your socks?” “P.S., my car has air conditioning!”). Ask your child how having these “other thoughts” might help them feel less afraid in a scary situation.

P is for praise and plan“What is something nice you can say to yourself?” “What can you do next time?”

At any age, it takes courage to share our feelings and thoughts. I asked my daughter to remember the first time she rode the bus as a kindergartener and had to be so brave. “It was hard, but you did it!” Right now, it’s kind of like all of our kids are heading off to kindergarten on the bus for the first time again. Gardner says parents can end this exercise by saying, “Thank you so much for telling me how you feel [or how scared you feel]. I’m proud of you.” If your child wasn’t the one to initiate the conversation, you might remind them that they can always come to you. Open communication from a young age will set the stage for the years ahead.

The plan element of STOP goes over what your child could do differently next time they have a problem or are feeling scared. As parents, we ask our kids, “What can you do differently next time?” a lot. Maybe your child was so anxious it came out as a tantrum or an upset tummy. Maybe your child let her worry streams take off when she should have talked with you. Whatever the case, the plan for next time is to STOP — with the reality that we will probably be saying, “What could you do differently next time?” again.

I am hopeful that this 4-step STOP plan will help my own kids learn to navigate their feelings around this new normal. (It’s also helping me work through my own!) While our school year is going to look different, one thing we can be grateful for is more time to communicate in a meaningful way with our kids. We can take some time to STOP.

Amanda Krupa, MSc photoAuthor:

Amanda Krupa, MSc is a nationally-recognized medical writer, editor and content strategist. For over eight years, she was the lead Editor of HealthyChildren.org at the American Academy of Pediatrics. Her work has also appeared in various national print and digital publications including Parents magazinePBS KIDS for Parents, and BabyCenter.com. She is a graduate of Boston University's inaugural class with a master's degree in health communication and carries post-graduate certification in medical writing and editing from the University of Chicago. She also holds a bachelor’s in English writing from St. Mary’s College, Notre Dame. Amanda has three children, who she calls her greatest accomplishments and content inspirations. Follow her on Twitter @amandakrupa.

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